Mein Blog zum Thema Privatsphäre, Internet und Humor.
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| IMHO - in my humble opinion - Mein Blog zum Thema Privatsphäre, Internet und Humor. |
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++ Joke: Verhütung auf Japanisch? ++
 Labels: Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Dienstag, April 07, 2009 top++ Joke: Embarrassing Medical Exams ++
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong one.Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient. ... Read more of them on 1funny.com Labels: Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Montag, April 06, 2009 top++ Joke: Emergency brake ++
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop."Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. That's cruelty to animals, have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the woman is home, telling her about the encounter with the cop. "Well, what did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob...something about the emergency brake..." (Source: http://www.thealders.net/humour/religion/rel53.html) Labels: Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Mittwoch, April 01, 2009 top++ Joke: Engineer in hell ++
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says:"Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room.There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him up here-NOW." Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right....and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?" (Source: http://www.thealders.net/humour/religion/rel17.html ) Labels: Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Mittwoch, April 01, 2009 top++ Joke: April-Fool Meal, How to ++
April 1st, otherwise known as April Fool's day, is a great day to play practical jokes on your family and friends. Tricks with food are always a real winner.Blue Milk If your milk comes in cartons, turn it blue with a few drops of food colouring. No one will notice until they pour it out. Cereals on a string If your family eats O-shaped cereal, thread them all onto a piece of string and put them back in the box. Fake fried egg Make a fake 'fried egg'. Arrange a spoonful of natural yoghurt in an oval on a plate. Pop an apricot half in the middle. Serve it up to your family with a rasher of real bacon. ... (Read more / Source: wikihow) Labels: Essen, Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Mittwoch, April 01, 2009 top++ Nigeria Scam - ausnahmsweise ehrlich. ++
Es gibt sie noch, die ehrlichen Betrüger.Die Konversation auf Skype begann wie folgt: "Hello. How are you? Am Robert Dutu. I have a very important business proposition for your consideration" Aber lest es selber ab diesem Printscreen. (Quelle: http://thenextweb.com/) Labels: Betrug, Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Dienstag, März 24, 2009 top++ Joke: mother & daugther ++
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. (Source: boardofwisdom.com) Labels: Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Donnerstag, März 12, 2009 top++ Joke: old fridge ++
Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:“Free to good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.” The next day someone stole it! (Source: chickencrap) Labels: Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Mittwoch, März 11, 2009 top++ Joke: Police coments ++
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:#16 “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.” #15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.” #13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” #11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?” #10 “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?” #8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” ... (Source: Everything Random) Labels: Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Mittwoch, März 11, 2009 top++ Joke: credibility of a police officer ++
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility... Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir . But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description? ' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes sir, I do.' Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes sir.' Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win. Labels: Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Donnerstag, März 05, 2009 top++ Children left unattended .. ++
 Labels: Humor (EN), Schilder posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Sonntag, März 01, 2009 top++ Replacing world landmarks with souvenirs ++
Eine nette Idee, in den Fotos die Sehenswürdigkeiten mit Souvenirs zu ersetzen. (Quelle: my modern Metropolis ) Labels: Fotos, Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Freitag, Februar 27, 2009 top++ Joke: two men and a woman ++
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:* two Italian men and one Italian woman * two French men and one French woman * two German men and one German woman * two Greek men and one Greek woman * two English men and one English woman * two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman * two Japanese men and one Japanese woman * two Chinese men and one Chinese woman * two American men and one American woman * two Irish men and one Irish woman One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: * One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. * The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. * The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. * The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. * The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. * The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. * The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. * The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/ convenience store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. * The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, all the sales she's missing, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The American woman, meanwhile, watches the men fart and scratch. * The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied, because at least the English aren't having any fun. (Quelle: http://www.tiggysribticklers.com/tig475.htm) Labels: Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Freitag, Februar 27, 2009 top++ "Aim towards Enemy" und andere Weisheiten ++
Ein paar Müsterchen aus der Sammlung "Some military axioms that really make sense":"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit" - PM Magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "Aim towards Enemy" - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "If your position is so well fortified that the enemy can't get in, you can't get out!" "Incoming fire has the right of way." "Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire." "Five second fuses only last three seconds." "The easy way is always mined." (Quelle: the sight ) Military Axioms.pdf Labels: Humor (EN), Militär posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Donnerstag, Februar 26, 2009 top++ Zeichensprache ++
 Man muss nicht jedem Strassenschild glauben schenken ..... Noch viel mehr hat der Telegraph gesammelt. Labels: Humor (EN), Verkehrsschilder posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Mittwoch, Februar 25, 2009 top++ Imperial Stormtroopers - Menschen wir Du und ich ++
 Auch die Imperial Stormtroopers führen ein ganz normales Leben. Abgesehen von gewissen Äusserlichkeiten sind sie Menschen wie Du und ich. Labels: Filme, Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Mittwoch, Februar 25, 2009 top++ Joke: Stress relief ++
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests.The funny thing is that it works. 1. Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains. 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. 3. No one knows your secret place. 4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world. 5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 6. The water is crystal clear. 7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water. See. You're smiling already. (Quelle: www.fun-with-english.co.uk ) Labels: Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Sonntag, Februar 08, 2009 top++ Joke: why? ++
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker? Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored! Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? What's another word for thesaurus? What do they use to ship Styrofoam? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!" (Quelle: www.bitoffun.com ) Labels: Humor (EN), Oneliner posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Sonntag, Februar 08, 2009 top++ Joke: Bumper Sticker Collection ++
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to DeathDon't Steal....The Government hates Competition 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain All men are Idiots, and I married their King DRIVE LIKE HELL.. YOU'LL GET THERE! Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film facility Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW I love cats...they taste just like chicken What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats Keep honking, I'm reloading Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in public schools Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? I are proud to be a college student For a small town, there sure are a lot of assholes! "If ass holes could fly, this place would be an airport!" Honk to see finger! "Better a blow job, than no job!" My Otha Ride is YO MOMMA! Work hard, the people on welfare depend on you! I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. Hang up and drive! Welcome to America ..... Now speak English Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: "Everybody, But Me." If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you. The proctologist called...they found your head. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. (Quelle: http://www.thejokeyard.com/ ) Labels: Humor (EN), Oneliner posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Sonntag, Februar 08, 2009 top++ Joke: Amusing actions taken by one who's totally over the edge..... ++
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in". 5. Put decaff in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions switch to espresso. 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors". 7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation marks. 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 12. Sing along at the opera. 13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, eg. "Rock Hard Kim." 17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!" 18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!" 19. Tell your children over dinner: "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." (Quelle: http://www.dreamspinnersinc.com/observations12.html) Labels: Humor (EN) posted by Kaspar on www.imho.ch | direkter Link: Sonntag, Februar 01, 2009 top |
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